Unleashing Love

Two years ago we prayed that God would show us how to unleash love. Our church was in an unleash love initiative. Teaching the church how to unleash love here there and everywhere. 

During this time, Chris and I got on our knees and prayed that we would have clarity and feel certain of what God wanted us to do. How he wanted us to commit financially, physically, mentally and spiritually to unleash love in our home, in our family and in our world. In those weeping moments on my knees when I was with my husband I heard the word HOME. When I heard that word I believed God was telling me that I needed to embrace Harford County and Mountain Christian as our home. And for the last 2 years we have committed to being here and to our family and life being here. 

However this summer we hit a lifetime low. Facing postpartum depression and health issues and tough toddler phases and being far from family, I began to question God as to why I still had such a strong desire to be home with family. I felt frustration that I still had the desire to be back home, yet family was still 2 hours away. 

We began to pray again and ask God what our family needed. What did we individually need and what our kids needed. Reexamining where you are in life is never easy. There are tears and hard conversations and frustration and confusion. Yet through it all, God revealed so much to us and lifted the fog and began to bring so much clarity and confidence in our future.

So while I believe that I needed to embrace that word, home, 2 years ago as accepting Harford county as home, I now believe that He was just preparing us for this next chapter. As we prepare to move home. To be near family. To bring our dreams to life. 

And as we have been pursuing these plans and this next chapter, our church entered into the same unleash love series. Focusing on how to unleash love in our world. And I believe without a doubt that this is what God has had planned for us all along. We are moving back home unleashing love in our hometown.

Sincerely, Loo

Becoming a Yogi

It was a Tuesday afternoon in July. I had hit a wall that morning. Like a big wall. I hit my lowest point and finally admitted that I was facing postpartum depression. I came home from some alone time and my amazing husband (who is oh so sweet and smart) suggested and encouraged that I try out a yoga class. A friend had been posting photos of her yoga journey and I had been making comments about how I thought I would enjoy it and I had been looking into local studios. 

So I went against every thought in my head and I put on my yoga pants and got in my car and drove to a yoga studio... what a terrifying moment for a super introvert who was depressed. 

some of my thoughts on my drive...

I’ve never done yoga before

I don’t know how to do yoga

Who will be there

Did I wear the right clothes

I don’t even have a mat

What if everyone is a professional yogi

Anyone else get super anxious when going to a new studio or gym? What a scary feeling.

 

Grayson and Finley were so excited to try out my mat when I got home. 

I thought to myself “I should just turn around” about a million times on my way there. But I somehow found the courage to walk into that studio, by my lonesome, introverted self, and I attended my first hot yoga class (of course finding a spot in the back of the room, by the wall). I cried, I sweat, I pushed myself, and I fell in love with the practice of yoga. 

I found something for myself. Something to look forward to. I remember the amazing teacher talking about finding your mantra, your “I am” statement. I remember repeating (in my head) over and over again for that entire hour and 15 minutes, “I am enough, I am a good mom”. 

Most of the classes that I have attended with this particular teacher have brought me to tears - emotional, overwhelmed tears - good tears. 

Yoga has become such an amazing outlet for me. It’s an escape, and a grounding place for me that brings me back to who I am and what I was created for. It’s a place of prayer and meditation for me.  I am so thankful for those encouraging words from my husband that day to just go. I still feel intimidated and anxious some days, and I am far from being 'good' at yoga, but I'm learning more and more that it's not something that you're good at. It's a way of breath and of life. I walk away feeling empowered and strong. I have come to love the practice and I am so excited for many more hours on my mat. 

Sincerley, Loo 

Baby Girl On The Way

Baby number 2 is on the way! It is crazy to think that just 20 months ago, we were meeting Grayson for the first time, and now we're getting ready for a second.

We are 34 weeks pregnant with a baby girl! There is nothing quite like hearing the heartbeat of the little human being inside of your stomach. I don't think I'll ever stop being amazed at how God has designed the human body. 

My heart is overwhelmed with joy and I am so excited to meet this little peanut!

I didn't realize how quickly you can come to love someone before you even know them.

Shortly after we found out that we were pregnant, we had quite a scare and for 2 days we thought that I had miscarried. During those 2 days, we were heartbroken, not knowing if we should be praying for a miracle or accepting the loss. We prayed so much during those 48 hours. The night before our appointment, Chris took my hand and asked me to kneel with him. As we knelt beside our bed, we asked and begged the Lord for life... for a miracle! 

The next day, it seemed like 11am would never come. As I anxiously laid down on the exam table, squeezing Chris' hand, the nurse was looking at the screen... looking for something... for anything... she said with a smile on her face, "well I see a healthy baby and the heart beating." 

With eyes full of tears, I said "are you serious?" I couldn't believe it. I squeezed Chris' hand even harder and smiled with tears running down my face. 

In that moment, my breath was taken away. I felt so relieved. So happy. So amazed at the miracle of life and God's amazing power. 

I just never imagined that I could come love someone so much so quickly. I hadn't felt her move yet, I hadn't even seen her until that moment, it had only been a week since we found out we were pregnant. But that little gummy bear floating around in my tummy... she was my child!

Now, we are 34 weeks, and she is moving and kicking and hiccuping and constantly reminding me that she is in there and ready to come meet us! She is a wild little girl who gives me lots of heartburn and already exhausts me (in a good way).

Grayson is slowly beginning to understand that he is going to be a big brother. He loves to hug and kiss mama's belly and currently likes to put stickers on his baby sister. My heart is so overwhelmed when I think about seeing them together for the first time. My amazing husband has also been so great during this time. He has loved me well, taken such good care of Grayson and I and has stepped up in so many ways to make life a little easier for me as I care for a busy toddler and this little girl growing in my belly. Thanks Chris!

We simply cannot wait to meet this sweet baby girl in a month and a half!

Sincerely, Loo

First Birthday

I'm not sure how it's possible, but we have a 1 year old.

My beautiful baby boy is a whole year old. He is full of joy and is so sweet and loving.

The kisses, the snuggles, the waves... he is such a blessing to us. 

It's hard to remember what life was like before having Grayson. I still find myself having the thought 'how is it possible that I have a child?' We made a person. A sweet little adorable person.

This whole parenting thing has been so much different than I ever imagined. And as much as I have learned about parenting, I think I've learned even more about myself. 

The phrase 'the days are long but the years are short' has never felt more true. There are days that I just don't want to be an adult...I want to sleep in, take a long hot shower and lay on the couch watching movies...but there are also days that I feel like I can't catch the special, sweet moments quickly enough as they are passing by. I debate between trying to capture the moments on camera, or just being in the moment and experiencing Grayson and who he is.

It feels surreal that this boy is ours.

We are thankful for the special day we celebrated his life and all that this past year held for us.

Our boy has turned into a fussy, non sleeping little boy who kind of made us question everything, and now he is a kind, loving little boy who sleeps through the night, gives the sloppiest open mouth kisses, says "ma" and "dada", he waves at everyone, snuggles us, claps and smiles so big with excitement about the smallest things. He is amazing! He is so special! We love him so much! 

Here's to year 2 with him... may we learn how to love more passionately, be more patient, embrace every moment, be present at all times.

Sincerely, Loo

What a beautiful thing.

We’ve made it over a year!  

Nursing has been so special, and so hard at the same time. We’ve shared special moments, sad, frustrating, painful, sleepy, tear filled, beautiful, and intimate moments during this breastfeeding journey. 

I never planned or thought through how long I would breastfeed my baby, I just knew that I wanted to do it. 

I never questioned it. 

We are now 13 months in, and I can’t imagine doing it any other way. I’m thankful that I stuck it out and that even through the hard times, we found a way to make it work.

From the moment the nurse laid my beautiful baby boy on my chest after a 54 hour labor, he snuggled right up and latched within minutes. How beautiful and incredible that our bodies just knew what to do. It still overwhelms me to think about it.

Although it seemed to start easy and quickly, within the next few days and weeks, we faced a lot of challenges. My milk came in which was painful for me and made it so hard for us to get a good latch. I was dealing with dryness and cracking (super thankful for Honest Co. nipple balm). He had a weird clicking when nursing which meant his latch was poor, I never felt like my sweet boy was getting enough milk, and I couldn’t keep him awake long enough for a full feeding, which then left me standing in the bathroom with tears running down my face having to hand pump to get some relief.  

We called a lactation consultant who was recommended to us and she came to our home and helped us work through some things and noticed that Grayson had a slight tongue tie. She said that it wasn’t serious enough to consult with a surgeon, but mentioned that taking him to the chiropractor may help. We were skeptical at first, but we did our research and felt confident trying this option.

At this point, we were nursing constantly, but still didn’t feel like Grayson was getting enough milk. We were up all through the night, at least once an hour, nursing. We were exhausted, feeling hopeless and frustrated. The chiropractor was our best shot. 

During our first visit, Grayson was adjusted, and he fell asleep  in my arms and slept for 3 hours, one of his longest stretches so far. The adjustments helped him so much and ultimately helped his latch and nursing became so much easier for us. 

The rest is almost hard to remember... he became great at nursing and started sleeping well. Nursing became second nature to us. I don't have to look and watch and help him, I just stick him under the blanket, and he finds his way. Whether we are walking around downtown, flying on a plane, at a major league baseball game, laying in bed... it's just easy and thoughtless now. It's enjoyable and special.

I'm incredibly thankful for the persistence, the blogs that I read in the middle of the night, the tears (from babe being rough) and the laughs (from babe tickling me and rubbing my arms while he nurses). It was a journey that seemed endless and impossible at times, but now at 13 months, I just feel thankful.

The Honest Company provides a really great formula and breastfeeding resource for any mamas looking for support!

Sincerely, Loo

Mom Life Part 2

I really dislike resolutions... but I like goals and being challenged. 
This year, I am challenging myself and setting a goal to stop comparing. 

It doesn't matter what phase of life I am in... I find myself comparing my current state with everyone else. Whether it's my friends, my family, the people I follow on Instagram. It's easy to see other peoples beautiful homes, jobs that they love, babies who sleep ALL through the night (this is a big one for me right now), their perfect hair, cute outfits...whatever it is... those are just snapshots of their life. Although I can't see it, I know that they have bad hair days, and their baby cry and don't always sleep, and that their job has it's ups and downs and that behind the image of their perfectly clean and decorated home, there are most likely piles of laundry and dust bunnies hiding in the corners. 
Because honestly...who really has a perfect life thats all put together.. not anyone that I want to compare myself to.

So this year... I will stop looking at everyone else's 'perfect' photos and thinking thats what I have to measure up to. I will stop trying to make every photo look perfect with the cutest smile on my babies face, and the perfect filter, making sure to crop out the messes and dust bunnies in my pictures. Not that any of that is bad, but I don't want to live life trying to be perfect...because I'm not!

 

This is what half of our pictures of Grayson look like... :-\ it's all about what you choose to post...

So here's my real life confession:

Over the last 6 weeks, my prayer life has hit an all time high! Which is amazing! But so challenging at the same time. I sit holding my screaming baby with tears running down both of our faces, crying out to God, asking for strength and patience.

Being a mom is so hard sometimes. I want to love my child well, God has entrusted me with this little human, to love him and take care of him. But honestly, without the Lord's strength, I couldn't possibly do it. Being a mom requires you to be selfless, to give up sleep, showers, makeup, nice hair, hot meals... not that you can't have those things and be a mom... but the reality is that most days (especially when daddy's at work) those are all second priority to keeping my little guy happy, fed and clean. Which is OK! (really I'm ok with this...I think)

AND keeping this little human happy means throwing all of my preconceived ideas of what raising my baby would be like out the window...and not feeling bad about it. There are certain things that people (including me before baby) have ideas about and are frowned upon that just don't seem to matter anymore.

Example:  I swore I'd never co-sleep. We got this sweet little bassinet and placed it next to the bed, and until recently, Grayson wouldn't sleep more than 30 minutes in it. When it comes down to it, I will let my nursing baby sleep in my bed if it means I get a 2 hour stretch of sleep compared to 30 minutes. He's getting better now and is slowly sleeping longer stretches in the bassinet, but he still co-sleeps too.

I think a huge part of parenting is simply trusting your gut. God has given us this 'mom instinct' that is so real. From the beginning, our baby has cried...A LOT. Everyone told me their baby cried too, and that it was normal... but my gut told me it was not normal and that something was off. Even my mom after seeing one of his fits said it didn't seem normal.
 It's another topic for another day... but I refuse to believe that Colic is a real thing...it seems to be what doctors diagnose when a baby cries and they don't know why. There has to be a reason why my baby screams for hours on end in the evenings though.

Although I was skeptical, we took Grayson to the chiropractor this week, and he's already had 2 adjustments. We have seen so many improvements. It's been proven that long labors and deliveries (our labor was 54 hours with 2 hours of pushing) can really take a toll on the baby.
Well, clearly something was 'off' for Grayson... and we're getting it fixed! 
He still cries and it's going to take time and more appointments, but he smiles more, he cries less, he seems happier...and that makes this momma happy! 

A lot of people asked me when I was pregnant, what I was most excited about... and I always said that I was just so excited to be mom...to be the one that could calm the baby and make them happy. When baby cries, mom fixes it. And it absolutely broke my heart that I couldn't do that for my baby... he cried relentlessly regardless of what I was doing. And we are starting to see this change...and it's amazing! 


So here's to 2016
...being real, being vulnerable and not comparing my life, my marriage or our baby to anyone else. I'll never be perfect...but heres to striving to be a good wife, momma and setting one heck of an example for my baby boy! May I only strive to be like Jesus...to love like Him, to serve like Him, and to be as patient as Him!!

Christmas morning... our first attempt at a family photo 

Christmas night... our second attempt at a family photo

Family photo SUCCESS! the day after Christmas...

Sincerely, Loo

Mom Life

Being a mom is something that I've always looked so forward to. After growing up being best friends with my mom, I've always dreamed of and had the desire to have the same type of relationship with my children. Well I'm a mom now!! 

seems crazy that this was a week ago, right before we left the hospital.

It was a week ago that Chris and I finally got to bring our adorable baby boy home...
only after 54 hours of labor.

At 41 weeks and 3 days, we went to see our midwife for our weekly appointment and they scheduled our induction for 42 weeks. We prayed hard that we wouldn't go that long, but continued to trust that the Lord would bring our baby at the right time. Our midwife stripped my membranes to try to naturally induce labor (this was after trying ALL of the other wives tales... spicy food, clary sage oil, walking, skipping, curb walking, yard work, squats, eggplant parm, nipple stimulation, relaxation, lavender baths, chocolate for endorphins, ginger, making love, chinese food, pineapple, stretching, banana, raspberry leaf tea...). We tried everything to get this baby out!

Well... Wednesday afternoon, the contractions started and by Wednesday night, the contractions were about 3 minutes apart. We went to the hospital around 1am on Thursday morning and I was only 3cm dilated. They didn't want to admit me yet, so they let me stay in triage and they had Chris and I walk the empty hospital halls all night long. After 4 LONG hours, I was still at 3cm... but I was having contractions every 1-2 minutes... so... we kept walking. By 9am I was still at 3cm and they sent us home. (my mom and Chris' sister were both there all night supporting us, waiting with us - they are amazing!)
We were completely exhausted, so they gave me an ambient and told us to go home and try to rest. We slept for about 4 hours, having contractions the whole time through. I continued to labor at home with my contractions spreading farther apart until Thursday night when they got so close together and so intense, we decided to go back to the hospital. (at this time, my mom and Chris' sister started the wait again with us - they were amazing and such troopers)
At 3:30am Friday morning, I was 6cm dilated (we were so excited not to hear the number 3 again). They admitted us. After a day full of contractions getting closer and closer, and monitoring of me and the baby, they came back to check me at 4pm to see how dilated I was.... 8cm. The midwife looked at me and asked can you do another 12 hours to go 2cm more. Chris and I looked at each other, both started crying and I without hesitation said 'no'.

My body, my mind... they were exhausted... Chris was exhausted! We hadn't really slept since Tuesday night... it was Friday afternoon. Chris had been standing next to me all day, helping me relax, holding my hand, giving me water, praying over me and the baby, being the best support I could have ever asked for or expected.

The midwife asked if I wanted her to brake my water to speed things up and Chris and I decided this was the best option. She did, and the contractions got more and more intense but weren't getting any closer together. By 7:30pm, the nurses and midwife shift change had taken place, and when the new midwife came to check on me she checked and said I was at 10cm!! By this point, I felt like my body was going to shut down and the contractions were so intense, I had to push. She said okay, and my nurse said I wasn't ready... well after 2 hours of pushing, and needing an oxygen mask due to the baby's heart rate dropping, we could see the little head right there... so close... just not coming out. 
I pushed through 10 contractions with this tiny head full of hair poking out, and nothing was happening. I thought I can't push anymore, they have to get this baby out. I prayed and prayed that God would bring this child to us and that he would give me strength. As the baby's heart rate continued to be an issue, they saw that he had a bowel movement in utero and they became concerned about the stool getting in his lungs, and I felt like I was suffocating from the oxygen mask, she asked about an episiotomy and Chris and I decided yes, as soon as she gave me the episiotomy, this precious 7lb 11oz baby slid right out. They rushed our baby away to make sure the stool wasn't in his system and I begged Chris to leave me and go be with our baby and to find out if it was a boy or girl. 
He came back to me leaned over with a huge smile and said 'It's Grayson! It's a boy!'

My heart was so happy! I laid there staring across the room watching my amazing husband love and sing to our precious baby boy and the last 54 hours became a blur. I was overwhelmed thinking about the strength that came from our prayers, how God provided for all of our needs and helped me get through the absolute hardest thing I've ever experienced.

It is truly amazing how much joy and happiness came from something that was SO hard.
My heart melted time and time again as Chris selflessly gave of himself to me and my needs. He gave up sleep, skipped meals, stood on his feet day after day, encouraged me through every contraction. He wept with me when we felt discouraged and exhausted and prayed for the strength to keep going.
Then I see this amazing man that I love so much holding OUR baby... this tiny little human that WE made... we created him and brought him into this world! Wow... I am so blessed!

my first time holding Grayson Coy Reese - I love these 2 so much!